Thanks for Trying to Save Me, But Don’t Bother: An Open Letter to Humans from Earth

Dear humans,

It’s Earth here, or Gaia, or whatever else you call me. I wasn’t going to say anything. But seeing how worked up you are about saving me, I thought I would pen this letter to explain a few things to you. Call it an attempt to clear the air, as it were.

For starters, and this may come as a big shocker, I don’t give two shits that my polar ice caps are melting. Crazy, huh? Nor do I give a flying monkey’s butt that the rainforests are disappearing. They can go the way of the dodo, for all I care. I can also easily deal with all the plastic floating in my oceans. None of that matters to me. I’ll live. Believe me.

You should also know that we’re not in this together. Saving the planet is your thing, not mine. Don’t think I’m sitting around rooting for you, hoping you get your act together. Because, if you fail (and you will), it will be of little consequence to me. I’ll just keep on truckin’ like I always do.

Think about it. I’ve been around for billions of years. That’s right, billions. Along the way, I have faced some pretty fearsome shit. I’m talking about some really nasty business. And, through it all, I’ve pulled through like the legend that I am. In fact, I’m starting to think I’m fucking invincible.

There was the time that massive asteroid slammed into me. You know the one. It killed off your beloved dinosaurs. Things kind of sucked after that. Years went by before the sun embraced me again with its light and warmth. But I took it in stride.

Later, much later, you came along. I have to admit, I found you interesting at first, what with your ability to talk. No other species has really done that here. So, that’s been kind of cool.

But honestly, the gall of you to think your actions can save me. If (and when) my time comes, it won’t be because of your doing. You puttering around in electric cars won’t add any time on my clock. I’m a planet, goddamn it! I was forged from molten rock. I was present when the cosmos took shape. You’re a bunch of talking monkeys!

The irony is that you should be a lot more scared of me than your own polluting ways. Right now, beneath your feet, I’m preparing something very special. It’s a little side project I have been working on for some time, millennia in fact. You’ll hear it before you see it because it’s going to make a seriously big “BANG!” I don’t want to give too much away, but there will be lava, lots of it. And searing avalanches of volcanic matter. Suffice it to say that living conditions around here will become rather unpleasant. Think of Chernobyl after the nuclear meltdown and then multiple that by 10 kazillion.

In closing, I hope this little missive finds you well and will provide you with some perspective, which you badly need. To recap, your efforts to clean up around here are touching, but you’re wasting your time, because I’m cooking up a volcanic cataclysm that few of you, if any, will survive. Just thought you should know.

Your hostess with the mostest, Earth